More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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