what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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