I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
smell my finger.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
