that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
