Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
