Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I need a burrito and a hug.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
