U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
