Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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