Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
