there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
