A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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