i just sent this text using only my big toe
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
