new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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