Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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