Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
