Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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