he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
