It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
