If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
