I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
