Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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