I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
