I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
