So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
