How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
