I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
