i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
