the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
