Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
