why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
