We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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