The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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