a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
