Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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