i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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