She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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