Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
