my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
either way he was missing a nipple.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
