when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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