batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Randomize
