I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Alive.
So much puke
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
