i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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