there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
