this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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