God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
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