see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
