Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Randomize
