Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
