Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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