Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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