You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
