oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
